Below is the brief history of the Armageddon Fantasy Football League throughout the years
August, 2011: The Birth of The League
It was just another normal day in the mind of Tim Kunkel, there were couches, Brethericks, and boos floating throughout his head. Somehow this fucktard managed to create a fantasy football league and actually got people to join. That would be the birth of the Hooper Racing Fantasy Football League, Or what is now known as the Armageddon Fantasy Football League today. Sit back and enjoy the ride.
Season 1 (2011): And So It Begins
Twas a ten team league filled with general managers who were fantasy football virgins. Best explanation I have there. In the meantime, Shift Krebln and Zach Holcombe dominated the regular season, each clinching their respective divisions and each finishing with 10 wins or better....in a 13 game regular season. Damn. Meanwhile, John Hooper mounted a late charge midway through the season to grab one of the two final playoff spots, with the other slot going to Tim Kunkel. It was later discovered that Kunkel was not even running the team and had handed the keys over to his dearly beloved, Sean Bretherick, who had taken full control while Tim decided to do unspeakable acts of gayness to him and his couch.
So we stumble upon the playoffs. And in typical fashion what dare happens? Both division champions go down. And not just any type of goddamn loss, fucking embarrassing shit man. Needless to say the world was stunned. LA rioted. Shit was off the hook. But life goes on and we move on. So to the championship game featuring SARA wizard John Hooper against the duo of Jersey jerk offs. Twas an amazing game, the quarterbacks were firing on all cylinders, the running backs were juking and jiving, the wideouts were making jizztastic catche...who the fuck am I kidding Hooper fucking went to town on Jersey. It wasn't Bretherick's fault though, as apparently Tim had missed the couch the night before the game and ended up humping the laptop. The poor beast couldn't endure and Sean's lineup of glory was lost forever. Tim was forced to set the line up himself that morning which led to the slaughter.
Seriously though, Hooper destroyed Tim, twasn't close. John won the first ever AFFL title.
Oh and Dan Asher won the consolation title but no one gives a fuck about the consolation title.
- End of Act I -
So we stumble upon the playoffs. And in typical fashion what dare happens? Both division champions go down. And not just any type of goddamn loss, fucking embarrassing shit man. Needless to say the world was stunned. LA rioted. Shit was off the hook. But life goes on and we move on. So to the championship game featuring SARA wizard John Hooper against the duo of Jersey jerk offs. Twas an amazing game, the quarterbacks were firing on all cylinders, the running backs were juking and jiving, the wideouts were making jizztastic catche...who the fuck am I kidding Hooper fucking went to town on Jersey. It wasn't Bretherick's fault though, as apparently Tim had missed the couch the night before the game and ended up humping the laptop. The poor beast couldn't endure and Sean's lineup of glory was lost forever. Tim was forced to set the line up himself that morning which led to the slaughter.
Seriously though, Hooper destroyed Tim, twasn't close. John won the first ever AFFL title.
Oh and Dan Asher won the consolation title but no one gives a fuck about the consolation title.
- End of Act I -
Season 2 (2012): Shift Engages Rape Mode: feat. TRADEFUCKINGMANIA
The Expansion of 2012 added Jakub Samuelsson, the league's first ever Swedish GM, and Jake "Monstarr" Keel to the fold. Both were around in limited capacities for the inaugural season but useless facts are useless. The now twelve team league voted to expand the playoffs to six teams, with three divisions of four teams each along with adding an extra game to the now 14 game schedule. Here we go...
So how else would the 2012 season start for the newly renamed Armageddon Fantasy Football League? Why, with a live streamed draft of course. However, having set the draft date for very early August, preseason boredom set in and the world was introduced to Trademania. The short version of the story is Dan decided to contact Sean English and make a trade, then everyone decided to contact English and make a trade. Basically English is a whore. Anyway, By the end of that week the majority of teams had shipped off the very players they had drafted thus rendering the draft completely and utterly useless.
Eventually, the 2012 season finally kicked off. Shift picked up right where he left off last regular season, cruising to a 13-1 record and another division title. John, the defending league champ, finally decided it was time to add a division title to his trophy room. Hell, he even had time to prevent Shift from going undefeated in the regular season while doing so. Finally we come to the mess that was the Red division. Yeah, you know its bad when it comes down to the final week of the regular season and the eventual winner is a 6-8 team. Anyway, rookie Kris Young emerged victorious mainly because Jay Lopez crashed and burned.
So the wildcard peeps. You had Dan's group who lacked consistency but managed to get it together near the end of the season. There was also the ever boring team of Tyler Newitt that sneaked into the playoffs because no one gave two shits to stop them from doing so. And last but not least you had the autodrafted team of Jake Keel who still claims to this day it was his brilliant draft strategy that put him in position to grab the final wildcard spot.
Now before we head into the playoffs, lets take a moment to remember some of the incredible moments from the 2012 regular season, such as Bitchgate, Trademania Part Deuce, and what can only be described as an act of God that allowed Shift to beat Kris by four points due to a MNF Ben Roethlisberger injury. Done remembering? Ok good, no way in hell am I going into detail about all that shit. I mean seriously, are you still actually reading this far down? You cunt.
Playoff time. Shift and John enjoyed byes the first week, so we can only assume that they went off to do shitloads of cocaine with said bye. Dan easily took care of Newitt's shit team, insert Glee joke here. On the other side of the field, the 6-8 squad of Kris couldn't keep pace with the autodrafted warriors of Keel, proving once again showing up for the draft is meaningless. Onto the conference championship week shit. Shift vs Keel, Dan vs John. Somewhat surprisingly, there were no upsets setting up for a huge title game between Shift and John, arguably the two best GMs in the league. Or craftiest. Take your pick. Anyway, the title game. While John got to hold the distinction of being the only GM in back to back title games, Krebln was not to be denied this year.
TL;DR: Shift wins 2012 AFFL title finishing 14-1. Zach won some shitty consolation title that no one cares about after being MIA all season long. Jay cares though. Jay cares. Also Trademania.
- End of Act II -
So how else would the 2012 season start for the newly renamed Armageddon Fantasy Football League? Why, with a live streamed draft of course. However, having set the draft date for very early August, preseason boredom set in and the world was introduced to Trademania. The short version of the story is Dan decided to contact Sean English and make a trade, then everyone decided to contact English and make a trade. Basically English is a whore. Anyway, By the end of that week the majority of teams had shipped off the very players they had drafted thus rendering the draft completely and utterly useless.
Eventually, the 2012 season finally kicked off. Shift picked up right where he left off last regular season, cruising to a 13-1 record and another division title. John, the defending league champ, finally decided it was time to add a division title to his trophy room. Hell, he even had time to prevent Shift from going undefeated in the regular season while doing so. Finally we come to the mess that was the Red division. Yeah, you know its bad when it comes down to the final week of the regular season and the eventual winner is a 6-8 team. Anyway, rookie Kris Young emerged victorious mainly because Jay Lopez crashed and burned.
So the wildcard peeps. You had Dan's group who lacked consistency but managed to get it together near the end of the season. There was also the ever boring team of Tyler Newitt that sneaked into the playoffs because no one gave two shits to stop them from doing so. And last but not least you had the autodrafted team of Jake Keel who still claims to this day it was his brilliant draft strategy that put him in position to grab the final wildcard spot.
Now before we head into the playoffs, lets take a moment to remember some of the incredible moments from the 2012 regular season, such as Bitchgate, Trademania Part Deuce, and what can only be described as an act of God that allowed Shift to beat Kris by four points due to a MNF Ben Roethlisberger injury. Done remembering? Ok good, no way in hell am I going into detail about all that shit. I mean seriously, are you still actually reading this far down? You cunt.
Playoff time. Shift and John enjoyed byes the first week, so we can only assume that they went off to do shitloads of cocaine with said bye. Dan easily took care of Newitt's shit team, insert Glee joke here. On the other side of the field, the 6-8 squad of Kris couldn't keep pace with the autodrafted warriors of Keel, proving once again showing up for the draft is meaningless. Onto the conference championship week shit. Shift vs Keel, Dan vs John. Somewhat surprisingly, there were no upsets setting up for a huge title game between Shift and John, arguably the two best GMs in the league. Or craftiest. Take your pick. Anyway, the title game. While John got to hold the distinction of being the only GM in back to back title games, Krebln was not to be denied this year.
TL;DR: Shift wins 2012 AFFL title finishing 14-1. Zach won some shitty consolation title that no one cares about after being MIA all season long. Jay cares though. Jay cares. Also Trademania.
- End of Act II -
Season 3 (2013): The Swedeman Cometh...Up Your Ass
2013 finally rolled around and despite the initial awesomeness of fantasy football having warn off, everyone decided to bite the bullet and return for another go. I'm sure this season was totally normal now that everyone was somewhat sane again...right? Should be noted the schedule was dropped back down to 13 games because we're not paganists.
Week 1. 83 Points. EIGHTY FUCKING THREE POINTS. In what would be a prophetic event, Swedish bisexual Samuelsson had his way with Tim Kunkel unleashing the entire Denver Broncos offense on all of Kunkel's orifices. Yes, Peyton would put his man thing very, very deep into Sean Bretherick's fuckboy. Other notable kickoff events involved Dan topping John in their traditional rivalry, and Shift immediately losing a game to the least interesting man in the universe aka the significant other of Ryan Ellis.
As the season progressed it became clear that traditional powerhouses John and Shift had no interest in any meaningful competition this year. Nevermind the fact that Shift got fucked by his own plan (FUCK THE RIDICULOUSLY TOUGH BLUE DIVISION) to fuck himself. Completely irrelevant. But seriously, these guys were useless. Krebln would somehow 666 his way into the playoffs but let's not get ahead of ourselves here. The real surprise of the season was the fact that the Swede and THE Clabaugh ended up as the dominant forces of the regular season. Clabaugh? Who the fuck? Allow me to explain...
A few weeks into the season Zach decided that there weren't enough hot blondes in the league that could serve as potential fuck victims to justify hanging around and decided to call it quits. Before he did, he and Jakub managed to cum to terms on a trade that one unnamed GM claimed involved "questionable buttsex and a man plastered over the front of a green Bentley." Said deal would result in Tyler Clabaugh (of the laughably pathetic Big 10) entering the league to take over the old franchise and the Swede inheriting a monster of a lineup. At least Zach finally got his blonde.
Enough of that detour, let's get back to football. As playoff time approached and Tim continued to hold onto his pathetic tiebreaker win over Dan, it became clear that the playoff spots were down to pretty much anyone not named John or Jay. Jakub, and the twin Tylers had pretty much already locked up a spot at that point leaving the rest of the league to fight it out like Tim and Jay in a tent at Charlotte. Anyway, in the final week of the regular season Dan, Kris, and Sean English were all in control of their own destiny. The former two managed to get into the playoffs without issue, but apparently evil forces prevented English from doing the same. Whatever the case, Jay suddenly became relevant again and spoiled English's party sending the evil one into the playoffs.
Playoff time. Jakub and Clabaugh had the byes and were reportedly using them to consider switching loyalties to good college football programs. As for the rest of the pawns, Newitt played Young while Shift played Dan. The former game turned into a bloodbath as Tyler not only pinned Kris up against the wall, he took him to a church and slapped a ring on the bitch too. As for the other side of things Shift beat Dan, but both of them deserved to be taken out to a field and shot for putting on such a shitty game. Conference championship time. Jakub vs Shift, Newitt vs Clabaugh. Jakub not only took Krebln's lunch money and dignity, he did it with pretty much grade school running backs at the helm. As for the Tylers an actual game broke out, but Jamaal Charles happened and Newitt attempted to murder Shift for a pre-playoff trade that resulted in Charles going to Clabaugh. Too bad he was a liberal. Oh right, the title game. Jakub won, nobody cares, we all knew that was coming back in like week 3. Sweden and stuff.
TL;DR: Jakub wins 2013 AFFL title finishing 13-2. Jay finally did something with his existence and won the consolation title proving once and for all that he is indeed contributing. Not really.
- End of Act III -
Week 1. 83 Points. EIGHTY FUCKING THREE POINTS. In what would be a prophetic event, Swedish bisexual Samuelsson had his way with Tim Kunkel unleashing the entire Denver Broncos offense on all of Kunkel's orifices. Yes, Peyton would put his man thing very, very deep into Sean Bretherick's fuckboy. Other notable kickoff events involved Dan topping John in their traditional rivalry, and Shift immediately losing a game to the least interesting man in the universe aka the significant other of Ryan Ellis.
As the season progressed it became clear that traditional powerhouses John and Shift had no interest in any meaningful competition this year. Nevermind the fact that Shift got fucked by his own plan (FUCK THE RIDICULOUSLY TOUGH BLUE DIVISION) to fuck himself. Completely irrelevant. But seriously, these guys were useless. Krebln would somehow 666 his way into the playoffs but let's not get ahead of ourselves here. The real surprise of the season was the fact that the Swede and THE Clabaugh ended up as the dominant forces of the regular season. Clabaugh? Who the fuck? Allow me to explain...
A few weeks into the season Zach decided that there weren't enough hot blondes in the league that could serve as potential fuck victims to justify hanging around and decided to call it quits. Before he did, he and Jakub managed to cum to terms on a trade that one unnamed GM claimed involved "questionable buttsex and a man plastered over the front of a green Bentley." Said deal would result in Tyler Clabaugh (of the laughably pathetic Big 10) entering the league to take over the old franchise and the Swede inheriting a monster of a lineup. At least Zach finally got his blonde.
Enough of that detour, let's get back to football. As playoff time approached and Tim continued to hold onto his pathetic tiebreaker win over Dan, it became clear that the playoff spots were down to pretty much anyone not named John or Jay. Jakub, and the twin Tylers had pretty much already locked up a spot at that point leaving the rest of the league to fight it out like Tim and Jay in a tent at Charlotte. Anyway, in the final week of the regular season Dan, Kris, and Sean English were all in control of their own destiny. The former two managed to get into the playoffs without issue, but apparently evil forces prevented English from doing the same. Whatever the case, Jay suddenly became relevant again and spoiled English's party sending the evil one into the playoffs.
Playoff time. Jakub and Clabaugh had the byes and were reportedly using them to consider switching loyalties to good college football programs. As for the rest of the pawns, Newitt played Young while Shift played Dan. The former game turned into a bloodbath as Tyler not only pinned Kris up against the wall, he took him to a church and slapped a ring on the bitch too. As for the other side of things Shift beat Dan, but both of them deserved to be taken out to a field and shot for putting on such a shitty game. Conference championship time. Jakub vs Shift, Newitt vs Clabaugh. Jakub not only took Krebln's lunch money and dignity, he did it with pretty much grade school running backs at the helm. As for the Tylers an actual game broke out, but Jamaal Charles happened and Newitt attempted to murder Shift for a pre-playoff trade that resulted in Charles going to Clabaugh. Too bad he was a liberal. Oh right, the title game. Jakub won, nobody cares, we all knew that was coming back in like week 3. Sweden and stuff.
TL;DR: Jakub wins 2013 AFFL title finishing 13-2. Jay finally did something with his existence and won the consolation title proving once and for all that he is indeed contributing. Not really.
- End of Act III -
Season 4 (2014) : You're Listening to 101.5 Sir Bretherickian Beats Bitches
2014. We're still doing this? Apparently. And despite this author's mild annoyance at being forced to put forth effort, the AFFL trudged into its fourth season not knowing what terrors awaited. Actually we did, just, no one gave a shit. We're FOUR fucking seasons in. I mean, I'm pretty sure that everyone not altering their franchise brand in any way shape or form throughout the entire season pretty much summed up the combined laziness. Also should be noted that the league voted to swap out the 2nd RB slot for an additional flex slot because RBs are now poopoo in today's NFL.
83.
Anyway, the season. Clabaugh's Aviators jumped out to an early lead, keeping up the success they had from last season. It totally didn't end the same way as last season right? right? Ty has sad. But let's not jump ahead here, there were other surprises too. Bretherick actually put together a solid roster despite wanting to overpay for Drew Brees by a country fucking mile that one time 3 weeks into a season. This resulted in Whitehouse being surprisingly relevant in a division that had big time franchises owned by Shift and Dan respectively. And then there was Jay...who at one point was sitting at 3-3, but then acquired Vernon Davis and now hates him and probably Krebln forever.
83.
Newitt proudly drafted and held onto what would probably be Bayville's MVP Johnny Manziel and enjoyed mediocrity. It would have been worse but the ShortbusTM Division AKA Blue, was an atrocious pile of shit the entire season and allowed all of John, Keel, and Tim to have an incredible amount of false hope as their teams battled hard for a chance to get massacred in the playoffs. It was pathetic. It was like watching a bunch of Honda Indycars all being piloted by Dracone fighting for 19th. I kid. Mainly because English...poor English. 2-11. Welp, there's always next year right? And the year after that...you get the drift. Anyway, in the final week of the regular season all but Keel were still alive with a shot to win the division. John controlled his own destiny and blew it. Simple as that. Kunkel stole the division in a great travesty to the league, and left a nice black eye on the Tri-Cities squad.
83.
Meanwhile in the respectable divisions, Jakub Samuelsson came back down to planet Earth after that suspiciously good acquisition last year. Despite a mid-season revival, it would ultimately prove to be LIES. Clabaugh would eventually take the Red Division title, despite Kris being right on his fucking ass by seasons end. In the White Division, a similar scenario would play out, with Bretherick controlling the landscape for the most part with the evil Hitmen only a step behind. However late in the season a couple losses allowed Shift to pull even and use tiebreakers to steal the division title in the final week of the season as both would finish 9-4. Should be noted Indy was too bipolar to do much with either most of the season. Still did enough to get a wildcard though. Speaking of which, let's take a brief detour before we jump into the playoffs...
83.
So...trades? WTF happened? 12? You shits kidding me? This was like the one thing that made this league entertaining and ya'll go and pull off only 12? DIS-A-FUCKING-POINT. Nevermind the fact that yours truly was responsible for like half of those. Most of which ended up backfiring, completely irrelevant. It's time we get back to the complete chaos and utter madness that is trademania. Speaking of madness...ARE TIEBREAKERS REALLY THAT COMPLICATED? I mean, like, c'mon. They only happen every other week at this point. There's a fucking file that you can click on anytime you want with all the various league notes...and that itself shouldn't be necessary because how hard is it to remember QB 1st, Kicker 2nd? Ya'll some stupid mofos I swear. But seriously, get a tattoo or something if it'll help. On both arms.
83.
>Regains composure.
Right. Playoff Time. Clabaugh and Krebln had the top two seeds and went off to cry about their impending playoff failures. So the wildcard round would see Bretherick vs Kris and Tim vs Dan. The latter game was actually quite impressive, as both teams would score over 110. Luckily good triumphs over...whatever the fuck Tim is supposed to be so congrats to Dan. As for the other game...I mean Kris was in it. And it was a playoff game. Sooo...you get where this is going. But hey Kris look at the bright side...at least Tim was the one to catch the Ebola! Conference Championship time. Bretherick vs Shift and Dan vs Clabaugh. The former game was another playoff classic, with Whitehouse somehow pulling out just enough (probably using some kind of logic that makes no sense) to defeat Krebln's Hitmen. Excuse me while I stab my eyes out. Anyway the other game didn't deserve any attention since neither hit 80 and I'm still not totally annoyed at that, but the point is Clabaugh clinched a ticket to his second straight title game. Gay. Anyway that about sums it all up...I mean Sean won the title in what was easily the worst excuse for a fantasy football game I've ever seen and resulted in both GMs being told not to return to the Upton Bowl anytime soon. But yeah. Fuck it.
TL;DR: Bretherick wins 2014 AFFL title finishing with a final overall record of 12-4. God finally took pity on English and allowed him to win the consolation title so that was cool at least.
- End of Act IV -
83.
Anyway, the season. Clabaugh's Aviators jumped out to an early lead, keeping up the success they had from last season. It totally didn't end the same way as last season right? right? Ty has sad. But let's not jump ahead here, there were other surprises too. Bretherick actually put together a solid roster despite wanting to overpay for Drew Brees by a country fucking mile that one time 3 weeks into a season. This resulted in Whitehouse being surprisingly relevant in a division that had big time franchises owned by Shift and Dan respectively. And then there was Jay...who at one point was sitting at 3-3, but then acquired Vernon Davis and now hates him and probably Krebln forever.
83.
Newitt proudly drafted and held onto what would probably be Bayville's MVP Johnny Manziel and enjoyed mediocrity. It would have been worse but the ShortbusTM Division AKA Blue, was an atrocious pile of shit the entire season and allowed all of John, Keel, and Tim to have an incredible amount of false hope as their teams battled hard for a chance to get massacred in the playoffs. It was pathetic. It was like watching a bunch of Honda Indycars all being piloted by Dracone fighting for 19th. I kid. Mainly because English...poor English. 2-11. Welp, there's always next year right? And the year after that...you get the drift. Anyway, in the final week of the regular season all but Keel were still alive with a shot to win the division. John controlled his own destiny and blew it. Simple as that. Kunkel stole the division in a great travesty to the league, and left a nice black eye on the Tri-Cities squad.
83.
Meanwhile in the respectable divisions, Jakub Samuelsson came back down to planet Earth after that suspiciously good acquisition last year. Despite a mid-season revival, it would ultimately prove to be LIES. Clabaugh would eventually take the Red Division title, despite Kris being right on his fucking ass by seasons end. In the White Division, a similar scenario would play out, with Bretherick controlling the landscape for the most part with the evil Hitmen only a step behind. However late in the season a couple losses allowed Shift to pull even and use tiebreakers to steal the division title in the final week of the season as both would finish 9-4. Should be noted Indy was too bipolar to do much with either most of the season. Still did enough to get a wildcard though. Speaking of which, let's take a brief detour before we jump into the playoffs...
83.
So...trades? WTF happened? 12? You shits kidding me? This was like the one thing that made this league entertaining and ya'll go and pull off only 12? DIS-A-FUCKING-POINT. Nevermind the fact that yours truly was responsible for like half of those. Most of which ended up backfiring, completely irrelevant. It's time we get back to the complete chaos and utter madness that is trademania. Speaking of madness...ARE TIEBREAKERS REALLY THAT COMPLICATED? I mean, like, c'mon. They only happen every other week at this point. There's a fucking file that you can click on anytime you want with all the various league notes...and that itself shouldn't be necessary because how hard is it to remember QB 1st, Kicker 2nd? Ya'll some stupid mofos I swear. But seriously, get a tattoo or something if it'll help. On both arms.
83.
>Regains composure.
Right. Playoff Time. Clabaugh and Krebln had the top two seeds and went off to cry about their impending playoff failures. So the wildcard round would see Bretherick vs Kris and Tim vs Dan. The latter game was actually quite impressive, as both teams would score over 110. Luckily good triumphs over...whatever the fuck Tim is supposed to be so congrats to Dan. As for the other game...I mean Kris was in it. And it was a playoff game. Sooo...you get where this is going. But hey Kris look at the bright side...at least Tim was the one to catch the Ebola! Conference Championship time. Bretherick vs Shift and Dan vs Clabaugh. The former game was another playoff classic, with Whitehouse somehow pulling out just enough (probably using some kind of logic that makes no sense) to defeat Krebln's Hitmen. Excuse me while I stab my eyes out. Anyway the other game didn't deserve any attention since neither hit 80 and I'm still not totally annoyed at that, but the point is Clabaugh clinched a ticket to his second straight title game. Gay. Anyway that about sums it all up...I mean Sean won the title in what was easily the worst excuse for a fantasy football game I've ever seen and resulted in both GMs being told not to return to the Upton Bowl anytime soon. But yeah. Fuck it.
TL;DR: Bretherick wins 2014 AFFL title finishing with a final overall record of 12-4. God finally took pity on English and allowed him to win the consolation title so that was cool at least.
- End of Act IV -
Season 5 (2015): Trade Jesus, Become Satan; Heil to the Hitmen x2
TBD
Season 6 (2016): Pack Attack Snacks on Cougar Pussy
TBD