-News-
The league commissioner held a press conference earlier today to hand down sanctions to the various participants in the Gamblers and Tuntans offseason scandals following the Tewitt Report's release yesterday.
Here's a brief transcript of the penalties below:
The league commissioner held a press conference earlier today to hand down sanctions to the various participants in the Gamblers and Tuntans offseason scandals following the Tewitt Report's release yesterday.
Here's a brief transcript of the penalties below:
"Today we're here to address offseason incidents involving two general managers currently active in the league.
Atlantic City Gamblers GM Tim K has been suspended for the first three games of the upcoming season for violating the league's Personal Conduct policy. As commissioner I was left with little choice on the matter following the damaging revelations of the Tewitt Report. Mr. K will also be issued a fine of eighty-three million dollars for considerable harm to the league's public image.
Mr. K will also be required to have initiated the process of clearing up the impending legal matter that awaits him in the state of New Jersey. This is a mandatory order that will be upheld before he can fully return to participate in future Gamblers front office activity upon his suspension ending during the season. It is imperative that this process is started immediately if he wishes to get this incident behind him, the Gamblers, and the AFFL.
In the meantime, Mr. K will be given reasonably limited access to offseason activities involving his organization until team officials can get situated.
Additionally, the Gambers organization will be fined for failure to adhere to league bylaw 8.3. Said bylaw requires all organizations to keep their general manager away from PR accounts if the general manager's IQ is deemed to be "unsatisfactory" by respected experts.
Atlantic City will also forfeit one second round pick of their choice within the next three seasons of league play.
Mr. K and the Gamblers organization have the right to file an appeal and must do so within 48 hours."
WOW! The commish didn't stop there, further laying down the hurt on the Tuntans camp...
"Tenneseee Tuntans GM Jakub Samuelsson has been suspended indefinitely for violating the league's Don't Be a Cunt policy. I felt it was in the league's best interests to suspend Jakub for the time being, after multiple attempts to reach Mr. Samuelsson went unanswered requesting a public apology in regards to his actions during the night of the incident on the fourth of April.
Zach Holcombe, despite his suspicious ties to the Tennessee organization, has been named the Tuntans interim general manager for the foreseeable future.
I've also mandated that Mr. Samuelsson will be required to undergo two months of boot camp. This will serve as a form of sensitivity training for Jakub as it is best for him to experience what our country's brave men and women prepare for first hand. I feel this is the best way to correctly re-educate him on his clearly absurd and impossible views.
Upon completion of this training, Mr. Samuelsson will be eligible to request reinstatement into his general manager position to league officials.
The Tuntans organization will not be penalized for the matter, as a face to face meeting discovered that no other human team officials were in the franchise headquarters building except an ocelet that refused to stop pissing on my shoes.
Mr. Samuelsson and Tuntans organization have the right to file an appeal and must do so within 48 hours."
Also no word was given on a potential interim general manager for Atlantic City, however that will likely be address closer to season's kickoff.
As for the Tuntans, the timing of Mr. Samuelsson's suspension is in particular interest to this author. A source close to us indicated that Mr. Samuelsson is currently in boot camp and has already been training at a southwestern base for approximately six weeks. A very suspicious penalty to be issued by the commissioner.
We'll continue to keep you updated with any additional fallout to the situation here at CSN.